Coexisting: How to navigate neighbor and roommate relationships
Having neighbors is a nearly universal experience. Whether you live in a single family home, an apartment complex, a condo or townhouse, mobile home park, or in an alternative living situation -- you can almost guarantee that you will interact with neighbors at some point.
So what happens when you find yourself in conflict with a neighbor? That is the subject of the recent NPR Life Kit podcast Dealing with Neighbor Drama, which explores neighbor disputes, why they can create such upheaval in our lives, and how we can use those times of tension to grow in positive relationship with the people who live closest to us.
Our Executive Director Moonwater sat down with the NPR team at Life Kit to talk about these conflicts, provide some tips for how to avoid or lessen conflict, and share how dispute resolution centers can help to bridge the divide when neighbors are unable to come to agreement on their own.
"When we approach conflict as an opportunity, it transforms the way we show up in that conversation. It has a tendency to lead towards more patience and curiosity and grace for one another, towards more compassion. We even tend to change the modulation of our voice. When we think about a difficult conversation with curiosity, we change the kinds of questions we ask and how long we're willing to stay present in that conversation." - Moonwater
Navigating conflict with a neighbor
Relationships can be healed and restored even from very escalated or contentious situations!
If you are in the midst of an escalating conflict with your neighbor, you may feel that there is no way to repair the relationship. This is an understandable feeling, and a common one at that. However, we do see neighbors repairing existing relationships or even forming new ones, once the conversation has lent to both sides feeling heard, validated, and able to contribute to a solution, together.
“I did mediation recently with my neighbor. Around the holidays, he brought me carrot cake (which was delicious), and vented to me about something that was bothering him. I'm not saying that everything is perfect between us now, but our relationship is almost as good as it used to be. He has someone to listen to what's going on in his life, and I enjoy his wonderful cooking.” -Housing Stability client
Neighbor conflict can be especially worrisome because you often have no control over who your neighbors are
It can weigh heavily to feel caught in a conflict that impacts your life at home – a place you are supposed to feel safe and in control. Perhaps you have even considered moving because the level of conflict has impacted these feelings of health or safety.
Because we can rarely be fully in control of the people who live near or next to us, resolution to neighbor conflicts often includes establishing healthy and clear expectations as well as creating a communication plan for when things go awry.
Some common areas of neighbor conflict include:
Noise (especially late at night)
Parking
Pets (potty messes, pet noise, damage/injury caused by pets, smells, allergies, etc)
Behavior (confronting each other in common areas, looking into windows, etc)
Kids (behavior, noise, etc)
Gossip
Cigarette smoking
Guests who are welcomed by one neighbor but unwelcomed by another
Trees (near property line or disputed property)
Fences (near property line or disputed property)
Easements and/or access to private roads/driveways
Tips for moving forward with your Neighbor:
As outlined in the Dealing with Neighbor Drama episode of the LifeKit Podcast, there are a few tried and true ways to start moving forward.
Before acting, be sure to pause. Take a moment to collect yourself, reflect on the true source of your negative feelings, and think about your underlying needs in the situation.
As you communicate with a neighbor, try to find common ground. By taking a moment to truly listen to your neighbor without reacting, you can each find ways to relate to one another and humanize the situation for all in order to move forward.
Reach out to a Dispute Resolution Center. The Whatcom Dispute Resolution Center is here for you locally in Whatcom County, and DRCs exist throughout the state to help in other regions of Washington. Seeking a neutral third party can help people to communicate with one another and come to some understanding.
Dealing with roommate or housemate conflict
Roommate or housemate conflict can similarly feel overwhelming because your conflict is taking place in your home, the place you seek safety and stability. However these relationships differ, as roommates are (often) in a financial relationship with one another. Although you may have more control over who becomes your roommate than who your neighbors are, you must exist in closer proximity and with a deeper level of interconnection.
Some common areas of Roommate/ Housemate conflict include:
Use of shared spaces at the property (e.g. kitchens, laundry rooms, community meeting rooms)
Communication with the Landlord (who is responsible for it, who is in the loop, etc)
Division of utilities/bills
Division of responsibilities for household chores/ care tasks (bathrooms, kitchen, lawn care)
Moving out – cleaning, deposit, shared household items, even arrangements & timeline if one roommate wants to move out but other/s want to stay
Use of drugs/alcohol in the space
Romantic/sexual partners coming to the home; being respectful of others’ comfort, safety, privacy
Damaged personal property
Expectations around communication with one another (type, frequency, boundaries & emotional activators)
Expectations around how close (or not close) of a relationship you would like to have
Financial issues that arise if a roommate loses income
Concerns about a roommate’s mental health
Resolution in roommate conflict often includes acknowledging harm, rebuilding trust, and (if necessary) ending the relationship peacefully.
While it is always better to engage in conversations before a conflict rises to the level of harming one or more parties, there is never a bad time to hit the “pause button” and seek out resources for resolving issues.
It is key that harm be acknowledged, and that both parties have the opportunity to fully hear the feelings and concerns of the other.
Rebuilding trust can mean establishing guidelines and boundaries for the relationship, and following through in a timely manner. With clarity about each party’s needs and boundaries, a written agreement about how interactions can remain fruitful, and real follow through from both parties, roommates can begin to trust in each other once again.
There are some instances where ending the roommate relationship is the best option for moving forward. Creating an opportunity to find some closure, and creating a smooth transition to a new housing situation can help to mitigate any negative impacts.
Housing Providers: how to help your tenant/s find resolution
As a Housing Provider or Landlord, you may find yourself wanting or needing to help resolve conflict between two tenants or clients. Making referrals to WDRC’s Housing Stability program can be a great place to start. It can also be an excellent step suggested or required by a housing provider before taking more drastic steps, such as eviction.
Tips for referring clients to the WDRC:
Both parties should be aware/acknowledge that the dispute exists.
No active restraining orders can be in place between the parties (or, if a restraining order exists, it must be modified to allow mediation)
Each party should have the ability to make decisions, represent their own best interest, understand the implications of signing a legal document, and follow through on any agreement made.
Initial intake is typically by phone (TTY, phone interpreters, and in-person appointments are also available) and is confidential from both the referrer and the other party.
WDRC never requires a client to continue with the mediation process. Clients can say no or opt out at any time. (In some instances for housing providers, mediation can be required as an alternative to other consequences)
Topics up for discussion, as well as any agreements, are determined by the clients, written in their own words, and completely voluntary.
Referrers can either give the parties our contact info, or contact us directly to discuss the situation and request us to reach out to the parties. If contacting us directly, the referrer’s info and thoughts also remain confidential from the parties in conflict.
Reach out
Reach out to the Whatcom Dispute Resolution Center if you find yourself in a housing-related conflict
Our staff would be happy to connect with you to provide resources, insight, and conflict resolution services to help you move through conflict with a neighbor, roommate, or housing client.
Call: (360) 676-0122 ext. 115
Email: housing@whatcomdrc.org
Housing Stability Mediation Request Form